During my lunchtime today I opened my Bible and began reading Proverbs 5.

I came to verse 5.

“Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.”

“Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.”

“Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.”

I couldn’t help but read it again, and again, and again.

And almost instinctively, I whispered, Was this written about me?

I can’t help but think that. I feel like no matter what I do, my steps lead me to destruction and death.

Addiction.

Lack of self-control. Lack of denying self.

Fleshly desires.

The constant pull toward anything (and everything!) that promises relief. And I do mean anything. Alcohol, drugs, pills, gummies, men, women, sex, pornography, worldly accolades and achievement’s, isolation, impulsive and reckless decisions, stubbornness, shopping and spending.

I love Jesus. I don’t just say that because it sounds good. I genuinely love Him. I want to obey Him. I want my life to honor Him. I want to wake up every day surrendered, faithful, and walking in the freedom He died to give me. I want to fall on my face at His feet!

So why does my flesh still fight so hard?

Why do I still crave things that I know are destroying me?

Why do I still wrestle with thoughts that don’t belong in a heart that longs to please God?

It feels like I’m straddling a fence.

One foot wants holiness.

The other keeps slipping toward old habits, old comforts, old addictions, and old ways of coping.

It’s exhausting.

It’s heartbreaking.

I don’t want one foot in the Kingdom and one foot in the world.

I don’t want to spend my life almost surrendered.

Jesus didn’t die so I could live halfway committed.

He died so I could be free.

That’s the tension so many of us in recovery live with.

We have new hearts, but we’re still carrying around old flesh.

We know the truth, yet we battle lies.

We know where life is found, yet we’re tempted by things that only lead to death.

Recovery isn’t just about saying no to drugs or alcohol.

For me, it’s about saying yes to Jesus over and over again, even when my flesh is screaming for something else. Do other people deal with this. Is it normal to struggle every minute of every day with fleshly desires?

Most days I fail.

Most days I stumble.

And yet, God doesn’t stop calling me back.

God, renew my mind. Renew my spirit. Create in me a clean heart. Teach me to trust that Your will and plan for my life are better than any I could ever come up with. Guard my thoughts. Give me strength while I am weak. Give me freedom in Jesus’ name!