Have you ever had one of those days where your whole nervous system feels….off?

That’s today.

I’m rattled.

Not because of one big event, but because of forty little things.

This morning I had several difficult sessions with clients. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle professionally, but emotionally it has stayed. I feel anxious, uneasy, and heavy.

Those are the moments that scare me. Because when my emotions become unsettled, my cravings tend to wake up…. and ROAR!

Today it isn’t drugs or alcohol. Yet.

It’s cigarettes.

I haven’t smoked in close to a month, and out of nowhere that craving came crashing back. My mind started telling me how much one cigarette would calm me down.

But I know that addictions lie.

They promise relief.

They never mention the chains.

I’m trying to practice what I’ve been learning…. and teaching my guys.

Emotional regulation.

Not emotional reaction.

Currently, right this second, I am denying myself the cigarette and using a healthy coping skill – journaling. It feels awful. I feel like I am delaying the inevitable. Why am I torturing myself. “Just go smoke, Rachel.” That’s what I tell myself. But that’s the problem, smoking that cigarette may not send me to hell, it may not come in between my relationship with God, but it will enslave me, once again. It will affect my health, which in turn will stop me from being the best physical version of myself that I can be. It will affect my finances, which will hinder me from being a blessing to others. And, most of all, it will most likely lead to another addiction…. as it is the case that most addictions go hand in hand.

So, I turned on my worship music.

I got up and walked around instead of sitting with the anxiety.

I reached out to a friend.

None of those things magically erased the feeling.

But they remind me that feelings don’t have to become actions.

The funny thing is, there really isn’t much wrong in my life right now.

I had a good weekend.

I spent time with my son.

I got to enjoy my sweet grandbaby.

I laughed with friends.

I made memories that filled my heart.

I’m settling into my new place, and I’m thankful for it. It’s becoming a place of peace, praise, and healing.

But….

I still don’t like being alone.

I find myself wanting to stay at M & D’s Rehab simply because people are there. There is comfort in hearing voices in the other room, knowing someone is nearby, feeling connected.

Living alone sucks. I’ve never wanted to do it. And still don’t.

It exposes my fears.

It exposes my insecurities.

It exposes how often I look for comfort in something or someone other than God.

I don’t think God is condemning me for that.

I think He’s gently inviting me closer.

Because the truth is, this isn’t just about cigarettes.

It isn’t just about drugs.

It isn’t just about loneliness.

It’s about what my heart craves when life gets hard.

And that’s where I am changing. Hopefully.

I have stopped praying, “God, take away the cravings.”

I’ve been praying…

“Jesus, let me fall so in love with You that the other options don’t even seem appealing.”

I want my eyes to stay fixed on Him.

Not on my circumstances.

Not on my emotions.

Not on what I’m missing.

Not on what I’m afraid of.

On Jesus.

I want to fall so deeply in love with Him that He becomes the One my heart longs for first.

I want Him to be the One I run to when I’m anxious.

The One I reach for when I’m lonely.

The One I crave more than any substance, any relationship, any distraction this world has to offer.

Lord, give me a hunger for Your Word. Give me a thirst for Your presence. Help me desire Your will more than my own comfort. Strip away every sin that weighs me down. Heal the places in me that still look for life in things that can never satisfy. Heal my addictions. Continue healing my substance use. Teach me to walk in purity and honor You with every part of my life. Give me a heart that loves You more than anyone or anything. Give me a heart that genuinely loves people.

So today, even though I’m rattled…

Even though I’m anxious…

Even though cravings are louder than I’d like them to be…

I’m choosing to keep my eyes on Jesus.

Because every time I choose Him over my feelings, something inside of me changes.

And maybe….just maybe…. one day I will walk in freedom!