Your Love Has Changed My Life

Tonight I can’t help but feel the weight of His love for me.

Somehow, despite everything, He still loves me.

Your love has changed my life, God.

When I look back over my story, I don’t see a path of faithfulness. I see detours. I see addictions. I see selfishness. I see broken promises. I see wounds I caused in people I love. I see bad decisions that left scars on my own heart and on the hearts of others.

There are days when regret shows up like an old friend I never invited.

It reminds me of opportunities I wasted.

People I hurt.

Trust I shattered.

Years I can never get back.

Regret screams that I am my failures.

But then I remember You.

I remember that You saw every chapter before it was written.

You knew every relapse.

You knew every lie.

You knew every secret.

You knew every selfish choice.

You knew every dark pit I would fall into, jump into, retreat to and hide in.

And still, You chose to love me.

Not the cleaned-up version of me.

Not the healed version.

You loved me in the pit.

You loved me when I was running from You.

You loved me when I couldn’t even love myself.

You loved me when everyone else had good reason to walk away, and did.

How can I not cry when I think about that?

How can my heart not break open when I realize that the God who created the universe saw me at my absolute worst and said, “She’s still mine.”

Your love has changed my life.

It wasn’t fear that changed me.

It wasn’t shame.

It wasn’t consequences.

It wasn’t people telling me to do better.

It was Your kindness.

Your mercy.

Your relentless pursuit of me.

It was discovering that even when I made a mess of everything, Your grace was bigger than my mistakes.

I wish I could go back and undo the damage.

I wish I could remove the pain my choices caused.

I wish I could reclaim years that addiction, depression, and rebellion stole from me.

But I can’t.

The past is written.

The consequences are real.

The hurt happened.

Yet somehow You are so powerful that You can step into the middle of ruined things and bring redemption.

You can take ashes and create beauty.

You can take brokenness and create purpose.

You can take a woman drowning in regret and teach her how to walk in grace.

God, You are my everything.

You are my hope when I feel hopeless.

You are my peace when my mind won’t stop racing.

You are my comfort when grief feels unbearable.

You are my strength when I have none left.

You are my Healer, my Savior, my Redeemer.

Your love found me in places no one else could reach.

Your love sat beside me in dark nights.

Your love carried me when I couldn’t carry myself.

Your love never stopped fighting for me.

And tonight, as tears fill my eyes, I find myself saying the only words that seem big enough:

Thank You.

Thank You for loving me when I was unlovable.

Thank You for staying when I deserved abandonment.

Thank You for grace that is deeper than my failures.

Thank You for mercy that is stronger than my regrets.

Thank You for never giving up on me.

Your love has changed my life.

And it is still changing it every single day.