I’m Fucking Tired of Pretending It Doesn’t Hurt

That’s where I’m at.

I’ve spent so much time loving people harder than they loved me. Making excuses for someone who could hurt me over and over and still expect me to stay soft, understanding, patient. I kept thinking if I just loved harder, communicated better, stayed calmer, forgave quicker… maybe things would change.

But they don’t.

And the truth that keeps slamming into my chest is this: people who truly care about you don’t repeatedly make you feel disposable.

That realization hurts like hell.

Sobriety has forced me to feel everything I used to numb. Every rejection. Every broken promise. Every moment I felt unwanted. Every time I begged for the bare minimum while acting like it was enough.

When you get sober, you can’t hide from your feelings anymore. There’s no escape hatch. No quick distraction. No shutting your brain off for the night. It’s just you and the pain staring each other down in silence.

Some days I’m angry.
Some days I cry.
Some days I tell myself I’m over it and then one small thing breaks me all over again.

And honestly? I’m fucking tired of hurting.

I’m tired of questioning my worth because someone else can’t see it.
Tired of feeling replaceable.
Tired of giving people the power to decide whether I’m lovable or not.

I’m heartbroken.
I’m disappointed.