A Heart Change

For years, I have prayed for healing.

I’ve prayed for freedom. I’ve prayed for peace. I prayed for God to change the things in me that I couldn’t seem to change on my own. For years it has felt like they have bounced off the ceiling and came right back down.

For years, I have been striving.

Striving to be better. Striving to heal. Striving to overcome addiction. Striving to quiet the chaos in my mind. Striving to become the woman I believed God was calling me to be.

And for a long time, it felt like I was taking one step forward and twelve steps back.

But something is different.

For the first time in years, I feel stable.

Not because my life is perfect.

Not because all my problems have disappeared.

Not because I suddenly have everything figured out.

I feel stable because God has been quietly changing my heart.

The constant overwhelm that used to consume my thoughts isn’t as loud anymore. The mental fog that seemed to cloud every decision is beginning to lift. The scattered thoughts that once pulled me in a hundred directions are settling.

I find myself thinking differently.

I find myself thinking positively.

I find myself seeking God first instead of seeking relief.

I find myself praying for wisdom and understanding instead of praying for an escape.

Most surprisingly, I find myself wanting more of God than I want anything else.

For the last several years, I have wanted substances more than I have wanted God. I hate admitting that, but it’s true. Numbing the pain seemed more important than healing from it. For years I have chased relationships hoping someone else could fill the emptiness inside me.

But, my heart is changing.

I want more of God than I want substances.

I want more of God than I want a relationship.

I want more of God than I want the approval of other people.

I want more of God than I want the things this world offers.

And I know that desire didn’t come from me.

That came from Him.

Because left to myself, I wander.

Left to myself, I chase comfort.

Left to myself, I look for shortcuts.

But God has been doing a work inside me that only He could do.

Ezekiel 36:26 says, “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you.”

I believe that’s what I’ve been experiencing.

Not perfection.

Not arrival.

Transformation.

A heart change.

However, I’m scared too death, due to past experiences.

I’m afraid this season won’t last.

I’m afraid the other shoe will drop.

I’m afraid that somehow all this peace will disappear the way happiness always seems to disappear in the past.

I’ve spent so many years waiting for disappointment that sometimes it’s hard to trust joy when it arrives.

It’s hard to trust peace.

It’s hard to trust contentment.

But maybe God is teaching me that I don’t have to trust my circumstances.

I just have to trust Him.

Because even if hard days come again—and they will—God isn’t changing.

The same God who carried me through addiction will carry me through recovery.

The same God who carried me through heartbreak will carry me through healing.

Lord, thank You for changing my heart. Thank You for the healing I can finally see. Thank You for the peace I can finally feel. Help me keep choosing You. Help me want You more than anything else this world could offer. And when fear whispers that the other shoe is about to drop, remind me that my future isn’t resting on circumstances. It’s resting in Your hands. Thank you Jesus for Grace upon Grace. What a God we serve! Amen!