I am tired.

Not the kind of tired that a nap fixes. Not the kind that caffeine touches. I am soul tired. Bone tired. The kind of tired that settles deep inside your chest and makes even the smallest things feel impossible.

I am tired of trying to outrun depression only to feel like it keeps finding me anyway.

I try. God knows I try.

I force myself to get out of bed. I force myself to shower. I force myself to answer texts. I force myself to go around people because everyone says isolation makes depression worse. But sometimes sitting in a room full of people feels lonelier than sitting by myself. Sometimes I smile and laugh while internally begging for the strength just to stay present.

People think depression always looks like crying in the dark. Sometimes it looks like pretending you are okay because you are too exhausted to explain why you are not.

Sometimes it looks like canceling plans because being around people feels overwhelming. Sometimes it looks like showing up anyway and feeling disconnected the entire time. Sometimes it looks like staring at the ceiling asking God why your mind feels so heavy when you are trying so hard to heal.

I am weary.

The Bible says in Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

But what happens when you are weary from fighting your own mind?

What happens when getting through the day feels like the hardest battle you have ever fought?

That kind of exhaustion changes you. Depression steals things quietly. Motivation. Joy. Energy. Desire. Hope. You don’t even realize how numb you have become until you remember there was once a version of you that laughed easier, dreamed bigger, felt lighter.

And maybe that is the hardest part. Missing yourself while still being yourself.

I keep trying to work my way out of this darkness. I listen to worship music. I pray. I go on walks. I try to talk myself into hope. I remind myself of truth even when my feelings disagree. Some days I feel stronger. Other days I feel like I am dragging myself through mud just trying to survive another night.

Depression is cruel because it makes you feel guilty for struggling while you are struggling.

You start believing you are failing because you cannot “snap out of it.” You compare yourself to people who seem happy so effortlessly. You wonder why surviving feels so hard for you.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Crushed in spirit.

That verse feels personal.

Because depression feels crushing. It feels like carrying invisible weight everywhere you go. It feels like wanting connection but not having the energy for conversation. It feels like desperately wanting relief while simultaneously feeling too tired to keep searching for it.

I do not have a beautiful ending to this story today. I do not have a breakthrough testimony wrapped up with a bow. Today I just have honesty.

I am tired.

I am depressed.

I am weary of fighting my own thoughts.

When is giving up ok?