Lately, I’ve stay disappointed in myself.

Not just in the big things, but in the small things too. My attitude. My reactions. My words. The way I let stress change me. The way I sometimes talk before I think. The way I know better, but still fall into the same patterns over and over again.

I get disappointed in my faith sometimes too.

Not because I don’t believe in God, because I do. I believe with my whole heart. But I hate how quickly fear, anger, anxiety, or exhaustion can become louder than my trust in Him. I hate how easy it is for me to pray for strength one minute and doubt everything the next. Some days I feel spiritually strong, and other days I feel like I’m barely holding onto faith with my fingertips.

And honestly, that disappointment hurts.

I want to be better so badly. I crave growth. I crave peace. I crave self-control. I crave a heart that reflects God more and more every day. I don’t want to keep hurting people with my words or damaging myself with my attitude. I don’t want to stay stuck in cycles that keep me far from the person I know God is calling me to become.

The hardest part is knowing my heart really does belong to Him.

I love God deeply. I want to serve Him. I want my life to matter for something bigger than myself. I want Him to use me in ways that help people, encourage people, and point people toward hope. That desire stays alive inside me even when I feel like I keep failing.

Maybe that’s the part I need to hold onto.

Because people who don’t care about God usually don’t wrestle this hard over disappointing Him. People who don’t want growth usually don’t ache to become better. The conviction I feel may be painful, but maybe it’s also proof that God is still working on me.

I’m learning that growth is uncomfortable. Sometimes God shows us our weaknesses not to shame us, but to humble us. To remind us we cannot become who we’re supposed to be without Him.

So today, I’m trying again.

Not perfectly. Not confidently. Just honestly.

I’m asking God to fix my heart where it’s broken. To correct my attitude. To help me speak with kindness instead of frustration. To help my faith become stronger than my emotions. To help me stop living defeated and start living surrendered.

I know I’m not where I want to be.

But I also know God is not finished with me yet.