Today I am struggling. Actually, all week I have been struggling. I don’t “feel” far enough along. I feel like I am failing.

I currently have no home, a car I hate, strained relationships with 4 of my daughters, financial problems, temptations daily, trust problems and just over all feeling crappy.

When will God heal me? When will God hear my prayers?

Is He waiting on me to do something specific? If so, what?

How do I know when I am doing enough? If the Bible is true, where it says to “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness…”
“For when I am weak, then am I strong” then why do I not feel strong? What about when it says “…for the battle is the Lord’s…” why isn’t He fighting this? Why does it seem like I am fighting all alone?

He knows my heart, why doesn’t he see the effort I am putting forth and the surrender I have done and meet me in it? What do I have to do to be whole?

What if this is my life? A constant battle. A constant up and down. A constant string of relapses and starting over? If that is the case I don’t want to live. I would rather end it on my terms. Some may say that is selfish, the easy way out – but have they ever walked a day in my shoes? Do they know the constant torment of not feeling wanted, the constant battle between spirit and flesh. The trauma that comes up at the most random times. The abandonment I have experienced. The deep soul-crushing heartbreak that I have suffered. What if you give your whole heart, attention, energy, effort and life for others for decades then all of a sudden, you find yourself completely alone, with nothing, unwanted, unloved, uncared for and tell me you could survive? Because I am not sure that I can.

All of the professional success, exciting relationships, traveling or money in the world could NEVER replace what I’ve lost. Life will never be the same. Is it even worth going on?

God, I am asking you to come through for me. I am asking you to do what only you can do? Are you not the same God that created me in my mother’s womb? Are you not the same God that raised Lazurus from the dead? Are you not the same God that healed Jarius’ daughter? Are you not the same God that healed the lady with the issue of blood? Is my faith small? Is my heart corrupt? God, forgive me where I fall short and meet me in my brokenness. Amen